Little Leprechauns

I was just laying down for a nap, when it occurred to me that the pain around my head is from the fusing of nerve endings. At first, my whole left side of the head was numb (probably from the Oxycontin) and now it's slowly going back to normal. My left temple (where that jaw hinge is located) is tender to the touch and swollen, but the rest of my head is slowly gaining sensation. Hopefully my bite will come back to normal too. They had to sever some tendon on the left side of my jaw during surgery. It doesn't hurt, it's just a little inconvenient when I'm brushing my teeth and I have a harder time cleaning the roof and tongue because I can't get my toothbrush in there as easily. I'm now an open sandwich eater. I also have to act like a lady and cut things into bite sized pieces. No more jumbo burrito contests. Interesting that you'd have to unhinge the jaw, or that they would need to cut anything around my jaw. I wonder why they had to cut that area inside my head. I wish I had a video of my surgery. Huh.

I'm down to only two pills a day (a far cry from 42 pills a day), one at 8:00am and one at 8pm. It's only for preventing seizures. Yay! I'm still prescribed some heavy duty Tylenol but I try to avoid it as much as possible because I'm trying to clean out my system (my poor liver). I always thought wine would be my downfall, who would have thought it was going to be tumor cells. I honestly thought that my first ailment would be self inflicted. I thought I would have broken a bone, or maybe I'd get diagnosed with lung cancer from a couple of years of rebellion when I thought it was cool to smoke. I really never expected a tumor. All in all I've been a very healthy person. I'm a runner. I love vegetables. I take flax seed, fish oil, and spirulina. I was not expecting this. I guess you never do. At least I've done the best I can to always keep evolving. I continue to make healthier and healthier choices. I guess that's the best you can do.

Ugh. I'm exhausted. I was thinking about that fusing of nerve endings. I'll be laying in my bed sometimes and it will feel like pins and needles randomly on my head - not even close to the scar/scab. Sometimes I'll accidentally say out loud, "OUCH" - Danny looks at me like I'm crazy and then we laugh. It's almost like I've got little leprechauns driving the wheel in my head. I hate that saying, "This too shall pass" but I guess it's annoyingly true because that's all I can think about. This too shall pass.

My Own DNA is Fighting Me

Tomorrow is the fifth week since the second brain surgery. I'm growing exponentially. In fact, I can't believe how much I've grown. When I was in the ICU for the week during and after the surgeries, and I was starting to re-learn things I was trying to brush my teeth with the wrong end of the brush. I couldn't grip silverware, or if I could grip it, guaranteed it was the with the wrong end. I tried to read a sentence for the speech therapist and out of eleven sentences the only thing I could recognize was the word "orange." It was absolutely bizarre. I could recognize that the page was full of words, but I didn't understand what they meant. That was a shattering moment. I would lay in my bed in the hospital trying to read the posters on the wall. I would practice over and over trying to figure out what written, "University of Washington Hospital." I would try to sound out the letters, one by one.

I had been feeling depressed before I went out for our walk today and that's when Danny reminded me that I'm still pretty fresh out of the hospital. He reminded me that with my personality having to slow down, take naps, avoid work, limit stimulus, basically I feel like I'm being punished. I thrive off of multiple stimuli. I love a good challenge, and yet I can't hit this head-on in the same fashion that I normally would. I would probably just tackle my recovery like a job and bulldoze through it. Unfortunately, that is the absolute opposite technique that I'm supposed to use. I'm already feeling guilty about not being back at work, and that alone stresses me out! It's almost like my personality is attacking my body and hurting my progress. Just like it was explained to me by Dr Silbergeld, I have tumor cells in my brain that are attacking my brain. The tumor cells are created by my own DNA. So my own body is fighting me.

Aaaaah, The Period of Oscillation

Hi Guys,

Sorry I've been MIA with my posts. It was the longest hiatus thus far. I started several different posts, but I stopped myself. I was oscillating between happy and sad, and I didn't want to regret sharing any of my emotions/sentiments because sometimes I'm just venting, and to be honest, I was pretty negative.

Over the weekend a friend said a couple of comments that didn't really sit well. He said, "Aren't you glad you didn't have breast cancer or something horrible like that!?!" And my response was, "I don't know, I've never had breast cancer." I'm sure that he doesn't understand the situation, and he's probably just making small talk, but it was hurtful. Can you imagine if a woman who was dealing with breast cancer was told, "At least you don't have a brain tumor." I'm still processing this whole situation, and I'm pretty raw. When Danny and I took a walk the next day and I told him that I'm just starting to process everything that I just went through (and how it impacts my future), I told him that I can't even imagine going through breast cancer. I don't think anyone can quantify ailments. It's all relative. My battle is my tumor and it's scary, and yet I'm learning about life, and compassion, and humanity. I want to be able to love completely toward Danny, and to my family, and to my friends, and how can you do that if you don't have a basis of compassion? This is a huge gift, even though sometimes I get frustrated and my scalp itches like the effing dickens, I'd rather be compassionate, and love better, than to have an easy life.

I have a very close friend who's two year old son has to go under general anesthesia next week and I'm scared for her. I'm worried for the little guy! Everything in life is precious, and things can change in an instant. Her situation is scary. She recognizes it, and I recognize it. And yet, at the same time, we use our own experiences help understand what other people are going through.

The other thing that miffed me (sorry, back to the first paragraph), and then made me sad, was when the same fella asked me if I had any idea that my words are messed up. The guy honestly asked me if I had any clue weird my words sound out loud (which most people politely tell me that they don't notice - or maybe they don't know me well enough to assess). I make more sense typing than talking and it's frustrating. But please let me assure you that I understand perfectly well what you're saying to me.  I guess it's better that people ask me questions instead of having unanswered questions that they continue to talk about behind my back. Maybe that's the whole point? Maybe I need to thicken my skin and get over it.